Brave Newt World
By: Doug Hawley
When an Antarctic scientist uncovered an alien space ship while digging for a latrine, he sent for the best crypto-biologists, archaeologists and astronomers to come to the Antarctic base. After the local Antarctic scientists were assembled, they entered the ship which had unrecognizable instruments and made weird sounds like those of a Theremin. They quickly discovered something encased in ice, which they hauled off to their camp.
Twenty-four hours later, the scientists from around the world had reached the camp, ready to see about the find. Geraldine Qwen from Canada had already determined that the ice was roughly 10 years old. The archeological team then slowly chipped away at the ice, revealing what appeared to be a three meter long salamander with a half meter penis and a human-like mouth.
Somebody said "That is the ugliest and biggest thing of its kind I've ever seen."
The sort of amphibian responded "That's what she said" followed by gasps and other expressions of shock from the group. The amphibian then said "Was that wrong? How about 'What's up, Yo Mama or Who Dat?'"
After moments of shock, somebody asked "So you speak?"
"You must be captain obvious."
An Einstein clone amongst the scientists asked "We were, ahem, expecting a different level of intelligence from our first interstellar visitor and maybe some superpowers like shape shifting or being able to withstand nuclear attack."
"About that. This whole enchilada was planned by our overlords on planet Ineque. They got me to agree with their plans by holding my 534 surviving larvae hostage. I was educated in earth ways by viewing reruns of your sitcoms, movies from Japan and reality shows. According to the big dome overlords my intelligence is below that of a dolphin, but above that of a ‘reality star'. To sweeten the algae, they said I could get some action from giant Chinese salamanders."
"So what were you to do for the overlords?"
"The idea was to land in Japan, but that seems to have gone wrong."
"Yeah, you missed the target big time."
"Moving along. I was to find out if the monsters inhabiting Japan were too tough for a successful invasion of earth by the overlords."
"You mean the ones like Godzilla, Gamera and Rodan?"
"That's right. Another tough one is Ghidorah, the dragon with lots of heads. That one gives me the creeps. There's a whole bunch of other ones that excel at ugly."
The fat scientist in the Hulk front and Spiderman back shirt who had been jumping up and down trying to ask a question got his turn. "What about super powers? What happens if you are exposed to radiation or bitten by a radioactive spider?"
"They tried exposing me to radioactivity back on Ineque, the bastards. I turned brown and my skin cracked. It hurt like hell. The only spiders I know about are the ones from your movies. I would avoid them like the plague. Those guys are a meter or more across and wrap people in silk to suck dry later. Brrr."
"So, no superpowers?"
"You try traveling in an uncomfortable space ship for years and then being frozen for more years and come back as good as ever. Someone asked about shape shifting. I lost 10 kilograms on Dr. Gurgle's diet to attain a slim new body. If you try it, I get a commission."
Lead scientist Sapphire (no relation) Hendrix motioned for the group to huddle up. After some whispering they addressed the sort-of-salamander "I think we've got a deal that you will like. We can give you asylum and introduce you to some really sexy Chinese salamanders, if you will tell your overlords that the Japanese monsters would definitely defeat the forces of Ineque."
"Deal. I hate those overlords, and so far I like this world much better. Most of the larvae won't survive anyway."
Qwen whispered to Hendrix "What happens when our interstellar amphibian discovers our salamanders don't do sex like he thinks? Our salamanders have strange rituals, but no wham bam. He won't like being a dateless wonder on this planet."
"I don't know, but this saves the earth from annihilation for a little while at least. I'd call that a win. Maybe we can block his communication after he explains the superiority of our Japanese monster defense."