Review of PORNO
By: Moviegoer Grim

Hey Boys and girls! Welcome this month's movie review, and I figure that you all would think that I will go over a holiday flick because, well, you know, it's the holidays, but NOPE! Not me, while I do openly admit that I did watch Christmas Vacation with Chevy Chase, but we all know that was a comedic masterpiece.

So, what in the world did I watch that was worthy of a movie review?

Well, I don't know if it is worthy, perhaps more like in need to warn people (especially dudes), of a flick created by the Horror Movie peeps, Shudder named… Wait for it… Wait for it… Porno.

Now, right off the bat, I will say that it took me three tries to finish this film. Porno is one of those flicks where you think it might be interesting based on the title alone, but nope. While it has a bit of nudity, it is nothing to what the title suggests.

So, what is this about, you may ask.

Porno is one of those Comedy/Horror movies (while I believe they weren't shooting for a comedy); in that vein of, say, old school Troma flicks with a succubus or demon who can tempt the male populous to their own lustful demise.

This time around, we have a sex demon named Lily (who is played by Katelyn Pearce), who fulfills her victims' deepest desire before she basically whacks them, which typically means some dude is gonna lose their junk! One interesting note is that she can take the form of either a man or woman and executes both heterosexual and homosexual fantasies. Although, she does have a preference; those rascally horny, heterosexual dudes.

Like I said above, once you're under her spell, kiss your manhood good-bye! But the worst part is that Keola Racela wants to show you what it looks like, which is so horrific that it could possibly make a female cringe with that visual.

If you are wondering, by the way, this is not a pornographic movie. While it does give you some weak, wannabe softcore scenes, there isn't anything beyond that besides the random full frontal you get from time to time. In fact, the movie is relatively low key in that aspect, especially since it is about a sex demon trapped in a reel of a porno.

But it is tame… Boo… Don't judge now.

The cursed movie reel was discovered by a bunch of Christian kids, well teens, who worked in a movie theater owned by another super religious man, Mister Pike (Bill Phillips). So, they were good little kids and were allowed to watch whatever they wanted, and it was agreed to watch the mystery reel. Oh! I have to bring up that while they were watching the film, I noticed a scene from a film study. After I did some research and pulled out some old lecture notes, I discovered it was a clip from George Putnam's Perversion for Profit, which was made in 1965 as a public service announcement for smut-prevention!

Now you see why it took me three tries to finish this damned thing?

Okay, so it's 1992 because Mister Pike is playing in his theater Encino Man and A League of Their Own—Yes, I did the math, and you are welcome—where was I? Oh yes, okay, so we find him and his employees about to start the day in a moment of prayer, which he drops G-Man a line to keep a watchful eye on his team: the new manager Chaz (Jillian Mueller), projectionist/straight edge Heavy Metal Jeff (Robbie Tann), ushers Abe (Evan Daves) and Todd (Larry Saperstein), and Ricky (Glenn Stott), who for some reason is focused on for just coming back from a camp. Also, worth noting is that while in prayer, we learn that Abe and Todd had been caught peeping in on neighbors while they were doing the nasty, which gets brought up quite a bit throughout the movie. You'll see why toward the end.

But it appears that the biggest sinner of the bunch was Homeboy, Heavy Metal Jeff, who was a college student who dropped out to move back in with his parents to wean himself off drugs. Oh, and by the way, his drug of choice was cigarettes. No, really. Cigarettes…

Sigh, the things I go through for you people.

Anyway, Heavy Metal Jeff wants to be as devoted to Christ as Mister Pike and attempts to live his life through the mantra CbtL (Christ Bears the Load). So, we jump to them, closing up shop for the night, and some old dirty-ass homeless dude hits the scene. Chaz and the others give chase until he crashes through the wall, which leads the gang into a hidden room stocked full of trash and old film reels.

After the old dirty-ass homeless dude runs away, it is agreed that the group would watch the newly discovered film reel. Which one, you ask? Well, of course, the one that is glowing and has a bunch of occult looking symbols on the can.

So, they watch the film, thinking it is an art movie, but that is when crap hits the fan, and that is where I am gonna stop. There is a lot of boobs, blood, and junk throughout the rest of this movie, but I feel that it just missed the mark. Sure, I cringed when someone's balls exploded or someone cut off his own Johnson, but that was only done for shock value and nothing really to add to the plot of the movie.

I was fairly bored with the movie. I found myself pausing every fifteen minutes or so to get up, stretch, check my messages, or grab a drink. So, as I evaluate my words and thoughts placed into this review, I have to give Keola Racela's Porno only one ball-busting star. While I think it would be funny to dare all of you to go see it, I really won't, although the movie can be found on the Shudder app.

All right, gang, that is it for me this month. I would like to take a brief moment to be serious and wish all of you a very Merry Christmas and a wonderful New Year! I will see you all in 2021!

Until Next time!
I remain…
Moviegoer Grim

Let The Contributor Know What You Think!

HTML Comment Box is loading comments...