The Jerk
By: Peggy Gerber

It was nine o'clock in the morning and Billy's day was off to a bad start. All he had wanted to do was relax and enjoy a box of chocolate doughnuts when his wife Patty burst into the kitchen yelling, "Stop being a pig and get a job!" Billy could feel the blood rising to his face; she knew how much that statement irritated him. She continued to twist the knife in his gut by adding, "Why can't you be more like your brother?"

Billy sat there fuming, It's not my fault I can't work right now. I didn't ask for this pandemic… Patty knows damn well that security guards are out of work right now… He belted out "stupid bitch" as he stormed out of the house, slamming the door so hard the hinges rattled. Billy hated calling his wife bad names, but she made him do it.

The bars were all closed, so Billy headed off to his favorite convenience store to buy a six-pack of beer. He felt humiliated that he had to steal $20 from his wife's wallet to pay for it, but after his rough morning he thought, I deserve this. As Billy entered the store, one of the customers told him he should be wearing a mask. Billy exploded with rage, "Don't you tell me what to do, you goddamned mask Nazi. Last time I looked, this was America." Billy could not stand those liberal do-gooders. They always thought they were better than him. Well, he would show them one day.

Billy sat in the park chugging his beer, gulping it down like a parched man stranded in the desert. As the alcohol began to relax him, his thoughts turned to the morning's events. He wondered, Why can't the women in my life just get off my back? It's not my fault my brother is more successful than me. Why does Patty always have to rub it in my face? If she liked him so much, why did she marry me?

After finishing his third beer, Billy decided to have a little fun. He chuckled as he plotted it out, quite pleased with his brilliant idea. He was soon ready to put his plan into action.

Billy hid in the bushes and when someone wearing a mask came near, he jumped out with the ferocity of a wild beast and screamed, "Boo!" Billy laughed hysterically as his victims jumped in terror, and if they fell down, he gave himself permission to have another beer. His day was improving by the minute.

After Billy finished his six-pack, he decided to head back to his apartment. Patty would be at work at the nursing home, so he could relax and watch some TV. On the way home, Billy saw an elderly woman walking towards him wearing a mask. His face twisted into an angry snarl; this woman reminded him of his nagging mother. He decided to have his last bit of fun for the day. Putting on his most ferocious face, he lunged at her, yelling "Boo!" startling her so badly she jumped into the street. Billy started running away even before her body hit the ground. It wasn't his fault that she couldn't take a joke.

The End

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