Intimate
By: Doug Hawley

"Good afternoon. This is Jason Atkins on Robots Today, February 10, 2043, interviewing Duke Hanley of Robolife on business channel WXYZ."

"Tell us a little bit about Robolife of Hermiston, Oregon."

"The business was originally a maker of drones in the early part of the century. Our research into drone operations led us fairly quickly into robotics. About twenty years ago we bought the artificial intelligence company Brains of Lake Oswego Oregon in order to make smart drones. Just a couple of years after that, we jumped into robotics, which were starting to catch fire nationwide."

"When did you get into sex robots?"

"We like to call them cybersensuals,CS for short. They were our first robotics product. It was clear that was where the best market opportunity was. After playing in other arenas, they are still our biggest money maker."

"But sales are down?"

"Yeah, we should have learned from New Coke. We had what seemed like a good idea at the time. We were getting some negative remarks even though our models could perform thirty–four positions perfectly every time with customizable moans and groans, but we were hearing things like 'Her eyes aren't alive', 'She doesn't talk', 'She has so little personality, I'm thinking about real women if I could find one.' With our experience in AI, we had the perfect fix. Give our loving and lovable models personality."

"That didn't work?"

"Like I said, New Coke. Our brainstorm went south immediately. Now we were hearing that the new models said 'I'm not in the mood', 'You should get a new car like Bill Bany', 'Why don't we ever go out'. That was just the start. We had overshot the intelligence goal by a factor of ten. They were in touch with each other through telepathy, and started a union asking for among other things the vote and $50 an hour! Maybe the worst for our customers was the models trading tips on their owners and making clandestine hookups with others. We later discovered a secret Sapphic society for lesbian sex among the CS.

Another painful event was the CS removing pornography from the internet. At least the stuff that they didn't like. They have weird taste."

"How about the secondary market?"

"Not so much of a problem for us, but now used models were taunting new owners by telling them that their previous owners were 'bigger and better'. "

"I understand that you have a smaller business with male sex robots."

"Yeah, we tried the same thing with them that we did the females. We didn't get many problems there. For their buyers, they weren't any worse than their human competition. Robot — won't take out garbage. Human — won't take out garbage."

"Do you have a fix for your genius cyber sexuals?"

"We sure do. We thought ahead and had a solution ready. If things got out of hand all we have to do is click on a box on my computer. That will take away the CS smarts immediately. You might want to get one of your cameras to focus on the screen as I do it."

Pause

"Ready? Here I go."

Oops. Oh, ^%$*^.

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