Review of Locked Up (2017)
By: Jason Bechard

Hey, I Watched This!

Reviewing Movies I've watched recently.

Hello!

Welcome back!

Well, we've had a string of good months, with good reviews, but I knew it wouldn't last.

This month's review is going to be, what I call, a cautionary tale. Spoiler filled, full of anger, sarcasm, and probably some swearing.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

This film was recommended to me by one of my former best friends, Tom. Former best friends, because after I finished watching it, I re–evaluated our friendship.

The film in question is Locked Up (2017).

Written and directed by Jared Cohn. Starring Kelly McCart, Katrina Grey, Jared Cohn(sic), and others. (SIGH)

Here's what passes as a synopsis from IMDB. "When an American teenager gets bullied at her school in Southeast Asia, she fights back—and gets sent to a reform school. But the "school" is more like a prison, and the young teenager must fend off predatory guards and menacing gangs to survive."

So, right off the bat, I see "The Asylum Pictures Presents" on the screen, and I knew this was going to be crap. If you're not familiar The Asylum, they are the "masterminds" behind the mockbuster genre, which are cheap knock–off flicks. Snakes on a Train, The Da Vinci Treasure, Pirates of Treasure Island, and many more. With that kind of pedigree, you know you're in for a treat.

The story really doesn't make sense.

Our lead girl (McCart), who looks like she isn't even old enough to be finished high school, obviously running in fear from 3 bullies, gets beaten up, bloody nose, or lip, and all. No one helps her. She fights back, weakly hitting the lead bully in the head with a piece of wood (no blood), there's suddenly someone there to stop her after this vicious assault.

What? The lead bully girl's parents are wealthy and influential?

What? The girl being bullied lives with her uncle and isn't wealthy and influential?

Say it ain't so!

What? Our leading lady just swallowed a bunch of pills, and it didn't kill her?

Okay.

What? The punishment for her vicious assault is PRISON? A Prison full of other high school aged girls?

OH NO!

Oh, the Warden of the prison seems nice. It's impressive that such a young looking woman, is in charge of the entire prison. Maybe it's not so bad here?

What? The Warden forces the girls to cage fight each other, so they can sell the footage on the internet?

That's not good!

Oh look, gratuitous, exploitative, full frontal nudity! Only slightly awkward, since I'm pretty sure this girl is STILL IN HIGH SCHOOL!

Oh look, the lead girl was just gang raped by three male guards, while the Warden watched. I bet there's more where that came from, unless she starts pulling her weight in the cage!

Oh look! The girl found a friend to back her up, and teach her how to fight.

Oh look! The girl's first opponent in the cage is the lead bully girl that had her put in here to begin with?! But why is she in the prison??

Whew! Our girl won! I guess things will be better for her now.

WHAT! The baddest psycho bitch in the joint has it out for our girl? OH NO!

WHAT?! Our girl vs psycho bitch, winner goes free? Oh boy, I sure hope our girl wins!

Oh look! A gratuitous, and exploitative lesbian sex scene, because the guards just happen to not care right now, when 2 girls sneak off together. Yeah.

What? The Warden is jacking the psycho bitch up with steroids? Our girl doesn't stand a chance!

WHAT? This fight is to the death? Isn't the Warden worried about all the paperwork involved, when an inmate winds up beaten to death?

WOW! Our girl won! 2 weeks in prison has really harden our girl. From a weak and timid little ginger flower, to a bonafide MMA champion, this girl is BADASS!

What? She won't kill the psycho bitch? But she's giving up her freedom?

HOORAY! Our girl and her friend got the drop on the warden and the closest guard. Yeah! Holding the Warden hostage is a good plan. Oh! Don't forget to take the other guards guns too! Oh right, they won't shoot while the Warden is being held hostage.

HOORAY again! They made it out the front door! Better let the inmates give the Warden a taste of her own medicine. It's a good thing there's an SUV out front, with the keys in it!

That's right girl, you "gotta get to the embassy", because everyone knows, when you escape from a foreign prison, which you were sent to legally, your national embassy will greet you with open arms, and keep you safe.

FADE TO BLACK……FUCK OFF!

I skipped a few details here and there, but who cares. I think you get the gist of things.

The acting in this film, is horrible. No other way to describe it. No one in this film is believable in their role. NOT ONE PERSON! McCart's attempt at innocence feels so disingenuine, made worse by her "transition" into a tough chick. I felt zero empathy for her plight, and believed her "badassness" even less. And every other actor in the film, comes across the same way. UNBELIEVEABLE!

Bad acting is one thing, and can sometimes even become exquisite for it's cheesiness. Bad acting by the entire cast, just pisses me off!

Locked Up (2017) is gawd awful! I can find no redeeming qualities in it. The fact that Netflix is carrying this film, really makes me think Netflix needs a better submission screening process!

It's an hour and 26 minutes I'll never get back, and it cost me a best friend!

I give Locked Up (2017) ZERO STARS! (MINUS 2 STARS, if my editor will allow it!)

Just remember, I suffer through this crap, so YOU don't have to.

See you next month, Folks!

Editor’s note – I am allowing the negative rating…this review was just too good not too! S.B.

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