No Prima Nocta Here
By: Harry Rodriguez

It was early morning in May, when three separate couples met up at a their local church. They were told to arrive on that particular day, by Father Pablo Diego José Francisco de Paula Juan Nepomuceno María de los Remedios Cipriano de la Santísima Trinidad Ruiz y Picasso who was the priest which resided over said parish.

The three couples, Jim and Nancy who were in their twenties. A middle aged pair, Wes and Carmen which believed that they might have been to old for what they planned on, until they met Stan and Wilma who were in their sixties. Each romantic duo was there to arrange for Father Pablo to preform their wedding at his church.

The doors to the old church opened and there stood a little old man, who was dressed in traditional priest attire with a tired smile. He waved the couples to enter his house of God, Stan and Wilma entered first, since they appeared to be tired from the wait. The others walked in together while they chatted about nothing in particular.

Once inside the couples found seven folding chairs arranged in a circle, the elderly folks had already been seated and the other followed suit—it was Father Pablo who was lasted to be seated.

"So the six of you all wish to be married," the priest said in a shaky voice."You all understand that marriage is a holy bond?"

Everyone bobbed their heads.

"Very good," Father Pablo said. "So here is the deal, if you all wish to get married in my church, you must all go one month without having sex."

The couples looked at each other at the priest's demand.

"Father, how does not having sex, having anything to do with...well, anything," Wes asked, while a wide eyed, in her prime, Carmen nodded.

Father Pablo cracked a faint smile, and answered, "It is an act of purity. I will not perform the service in my congregation, if the couple is not pure."

"Fair enough," Jim said with a shrug to Nancy.

"We're all right with that, Father," Wilma said in a rather mild manner.

"All of you come back in one month, and if you are pure, I will arrange the marriage for you," Father Pablo explained.


One month had passed, and the three couples found themselves back at the church with the old priest in the same metal folding chairs as before. Father Pablo looked around at each person before him for a few moments and asked, "Stan? Wilma? Have you completed your one month vow of abstinence?"

The elderly couple chuckled.

"Yes, father. It was not really a problem for us," Stan replied.

"Wonderful!" The old priest said.

"We're old," Stan said with a chuckle.

Father Pablo looked over at Wes and Carmen, who had a guilty look to them. "How about you two, were you able to refrain from sex?"

"Believe it or not, Father, while it was really difficult—We did not have sex for the entire month," Wes said, and looked proudly at Carmen who looked at him like a piece of raw meat.

"It was not, easy at all," Carmen said while she bit her bottom lip.

"Job well done, you two," Father Pablo said with a pleased smile. Then he looked at Jim and Nancy. "How about you two kids?"

Jim looked down, and sadly shook his head while he said, "No, Father Pablo. We couldn't do it."

A bit surprised, as Jim and Nancy were prominent members of his church, Father Pablo asked, "Well, tell me why, Jim."

"Okay, I will give you the PG version," Jim said, in a defeated voice.

"Yes, please do." The Priest responded.

Jim looked at Nancy, who nodded approval for him to tell the story.

"Well, it all starts with a can of green beans." Jim started. The other two couples, as well as the priest were invested in every word.


"So, it had been three weeks at that point and Nancy accidentally dropped the can of green beans." Jim elaborated.

Stan gave Jim a confused look and asked, "I'm sorry, but how does that lead to having sex?"

Again, Jim looked for Nancy's approval to continue, who waved her hand to finish the story.

"She. Nancy, I mean...bent over to pick up the can of green beans, and seeing her there, bent over—It was an opportunity I could not pass up," Jim said and looked back down ashamed.

Father Pablo stared at Jim in a mixture of shock and disgust. After a few moment of silence, the old priest mumbled the words, "You need to leave, now. You are no longer welcome in my church."

"We're not welcomed at the market either," said Jim.



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