The Protector and the Death Race
By: L. Alan Russo

It had been three years since I last visited Earth. I was home. In the time away, I was a P.I. turned King, turned unemployed loser. I had heard about a Transcontinental Road Race which took place in America, the winner, would receive fame and fortune—and, you know, some tail.

It had been a long time since I was with an Earth Girl. You know there was a movie that circulated in remote access, called, Earth Girl's are Easy. We'll let me tell you, first hand, that is a bold face lie! You wanna get some Earth pie, son, you're ass is going to work for it!


So there I was, back home, no work. Was going to enter this race and didn't even have a car. This was going to take some effort. I would say maximum effort, but I think Marvel Comics has that shit already trademarked.

Again, anyway…

I shopped around to see if I could find some sponsors, and no luck—they all wanted professional drivers, to race their vehicles. Yeah, for real, you ask me that's some discrimination happening right there. When did Earth become a planet where you had to have skill, just look at most celebrities of the first third of the 21st century.

As I was walking back to my mom's house (I've been in space, having space adventures! Don't JUDGE, yo!), I saw a booty wrapped in tight white leather. The owner was bent over the front of a speedster trying to put the battery cable back on, but was putting the positive first which caused a spark. With each jolt of electricity, she jumped back from the car.

When she moved away from the hood, her golden locks swung back exposing her perky and rather large boobs that were pushing the limits of the zipper that was holding her matching white leather top together. As she stood there, and took in a deep breath. Thee top expanded, and I swear to who ever you believe in, I thought those bad boys were seriously gonna burst through.

"Hi there," I said as I casually walked up to her. She looked at me with those crystal ice blue eyes. I raised my hands up allowing her to see I was unarmed, and had no ill intentions. "I just saw that you needed help. I think I can fix your problem."

In more ways than one, I thought to myself.

"It's pretty complicated stuff," she said unimpressed.

I walked over to the speedster and looked at the engine and its inner–workings which was you basic 5–speed. I reached over and placed the negative on the battery, and then the positive one next. I looked over at her and said, "Go turn it over."

I watched through a crack, where the hood meets the car's frame as she turned it over. A look of shock and utter surprise hit her in the face like the boococky I fantasized about. Just to really impress her, I called out, "Give it some gas!"

The engine sounded strong, and I watched through the crack a small grin appear on her face. The blond got out of the car, then walked over to me. She smiled then offered her hand and said, "Thank you, so much, you wouldn't believe how long I've been stuck here. I'm Lexi."

In that moment we made eye contact, and it was magic. Well, it was for me, but I don't think Lexi realized the importance in that moment, yet.

Lexi scanned my appearance and asked, "Why are you in racing gear walking down the street with no car?"

"Uh…" I had to think fast, she's way too hot to let walk away. "I… I, quit the Bartel Racing Team. Yeah, that's it. I, uh, wanted to push their speedster faster, but the owner refused to let me. So… So, I got mad, slammed my helmet down and walked off the track."

"So, are you open for work," Lexi asked, in a flirtatious manner.

I tried my absolute best not to smile, I looked at her with my best serious 'I don't wanna sleep with you' face and said, "Sure, if the price is right."

Lexi's smile grew from ear to ear, she moved closer to me while releasing the zipper just a bit to have her friends push out a little bit more. Then said to me in a tantalizing tone, "How about I give you a little lip service on our way to California."

"And?" I asked.

"And, I guess I will split the winnings with you too," Lexi said to me while turning away from me zipping up her tight leather top.

I grabbed her arm, and spun her to face me. We were face to face, she smelled edible like cotton candy, she stared at me with those blue eyes of hers.

"Deal," I leaned in and sealed the deal with a kiss. I was curious if she tasted edible too, and yeah, she totally was. Just saying…


Quite a few hours later Lexi and I zoomed down the post dystopian American highway, she had just made good with the lip service although, it wasn't what I had expected. She read Andrew Lloyd Weber's biography. Hashtag disappointed.


Like I was saying, we were almost to the starting line in Los Angeles. I was the driver and Lexi was my navigator. Things were going good, until I asked her, "So what happened to your last driver?"

"Who Bobby," she appeared surprised by the question. "He was killed by Frankenstein in the qualifying road."

"Who the hell is Frankenstein," I asked while we zoomed do the road, and I try to focus on the road and not Lexi's boobs.

"You've never heard of Frankenstein?" She ask.

"Nope. I, uh, was a racer on Planet Pixiltron before I came back to Earth," I explained, still attempting to focus on the road.

"Planet Pixiltron, didn't the Artaktens blow it up with a giant water cannon? Or something like that," Lexi asked, as she tilted her head and allowing the blond locks to wave in the wind.

"Yeah, something like that," I retorted.

"I heard it was their king's fault," Lexi said. "Rumor has it he killed his wife, then escaped with his sexbot, and how gross is that?"

"Um… Anyway, Frankenstein, who is he," I asked, now a bit flustered from the rumors that circulated about me.

"Frankenstein is the longest reigning champion. Seven years running, but he's backed by the repaired government. So, even though he has died a few times in preliminaries, the brass fix him up and have him ready by race time. After a crash, car blowing up and a handful of other atrocities Frankenstein is more machine than human at this point."

"So he's like Darth V—"

Lexi stopped me by putting her hand over my mouth. "Whoa! Whoa! No one is looking for a law suit here, big boy!"

"Oh. Oh. I'm sorry, please continue," I said, although I really wanted to know the answer to my question.

"But, for some reason they gave him shorter legs," Lexi continued, "I noticed he's quite shorter this year."

"Why make their top racer shorter?" I asked.

Lexi shrugged. "He's a ruthless bastard though. Bobby, my driver, pulled over during qualifying to take a piss. Frankenstein went out of his way, went off road even, to run his ass over."

"Oh my God, I am so sorry. What a horrible thing!"

"It's alright. He was a horrible lay, during off season," she said and then shrugged again.

"What did the police do?"

Lexi looked at me puzzled. "About what?"

"Nothing it was during the race, it was within the rules," Lexi revealed. "I knew he was dead, so I jumped in the driver's side and made qualifying time myself."

"Wait. Wait. Wait. What do you mean it was within the rules," I gasped.

She sighed.

"Have you ever raced in the Transcontinental Road Race, before," Lexi said to me while she stared holes into me.

"Sure, they had a Transcontinental Road Race, but I'm, uh, starting to think the rules are a bit different." I replied.

Lexi shook her head, and then sighed again.

"The Transcontinental Road Race, is where a group of drivers race across the country in our high–powered cars. It is famous for violence, gore," Lexi educated. "And my favorite part, innocent pedestrians being struck and killed for bonus points."

"How does the points come into play?"

"I have no clue, I think it was something added to give the drivers something to do," Lexi said while she studied her futuristic GPS system.

"Oh. Right. Makes sense." I said.

"That's why it's nicknamed the Death Race, a lot of people are dead after it is over."

"Wait. Can we say that?"

"I believe so."



A short time later, Lexi and I found ourselves in the Los Angeles Coliseum, with only five other speedsters. In the car nearest us was Calamity Jane and her navigator (I didn't bother to learn his name), next was Machine Gun Joe and Myra, boy she sure could teach Lexi the proper was to showcase boobs…Just saying.

Anyway, next to them was Matilda the Hun and her nerdy little navigator, Herman the German. For some reason, I saw those two in BDSM garb and the large woman whipping the shit out of the scrawny ass dude. Did it get hot in here all of a sudden?

The fans went nuts when they announced Nero the Hero and Cleopatra, and again, proper boobage exposure. I think I may have jumped to soon.


The only other person left at the far end was the navigator–less, Frankenstein and the stadium when freaking insane with a mixture of cheers and boos. I noticed that he wore what, from my view, was a Bondage Hood, kinda like how I imagined Herman the German wearing.

"Wes Frankie wear a mask," I asked Lexi.

"Rumor is that his face is so disfigured that it would frighten even the hardest person," she explained.

"Makes sense."

After the rules were explained we were released East bound toward Washington D.C. Calamity Jane was the first out the shoot, but, did not make it out of the stadium as she ran over a landmine buried in the track.

With a BOOOOOM, metal and flesh flew into the air and into a few fans as well…part of the hood landed on some dude in the third row and split him in half. Upon this carnage, I exclaimed to Lexi, "Landmine! There are freaking landmines hidden in the track!"

She look up from her GPS and said, "Yup. Don't run over one please."

I decided to follow Machine Gun Joe out of the building, that way I knew that if anyone else is going to hit a landmine, it would be him and not us. My heart raced as we crossed the dirt track, the five of us reached the exit without being blown up—yay us!

As we came out of the Coliseum, I watched as Frankenstein pulled onto the sidewalk and begin to rundown pedestrians, who were there to watch us come out onto the open road. Over our speaker, we heard Frankenstein already going for the extra points!

Nero the Hero sped passed Machine Gun Joe and I to take second place, a pair of large Gatling guns came from each side of his car and begin to mow down more innocent onlookers. I was kinda startled at the fact that none of them tried to take cover. I asked, "Why aren't those idiots running for their lives."

Lexi smiled at me. "Those are patients from the Psychiatric hospital, they are so loaded with drugs, they don't know what hit them."

"Quite literally," I said, while I tried to digest all of that barbaric information.


We were midway through Texas, when Machine gun Joe saw a woman pushing a stroller down a sidewalk. He looked over at Myra and asked, "How many points for babies?"

"Three thousand, I believe," Myra replied, but had a puzzled look to her. "But, no one would be out here in the middle of nowhere."

Machine Gun Joe's lip turned up in an evil smirk.

"Why do you ask, Joe," Myra asked after she noticed the expression change on her teammate.

Machine Gun Joe pointed in front of him to a young woman who was next to tree eating a sandwich and a baby stroller next to her in the share.

In that moment, Herman the German noticed Machine Gun Joe pointing and said, "What is Joe pointing at?"

Matilda the Hun took her eyes off the road to investigate. "Ah," she proclaimed and pointed in the woman and child's direction. "Mother and child eleven o'clock!"

Matilda rushed to the left, while cutting off Machine Gun Joe and headed for the small family. Enraged, he shouted, "What the Hell does that Neo–Nazi bitch, thinks she's doing! I'm Machine Gun Joe, dammit! No one takes my game! NO ONE!"

Machine Gun Joe yanked the wheel to the left and toward the woman and child in the stroller. The two cars sped toward their victims at dangerous speeds, each trying to make the three thousand points first.

"This is my bonus," Machine Gun Joe screamed out the window. Once they were on a flat dirt path, he hit the gas and launched passed Matilda and Herman, directly toward the picnicking family. Joe's vehicle leaped from behind a large shrub, it was less than a foot between the woman and the fender. The mother jumped to safety, but left the baby open for the picking.

"Baby! Get the baby," Mrya shouted.

Just as Machine Gun Joe's car came into contact with the stroller, there was an enormous explosion! Realizing it was a trap, Matilda tried to turn around, but the faux mother came from behind the tree holding what appeared to be a Tommy gun.

She unloaded the clip into the car, striking and killing both Matilda and Herman. From the force of the turn, the vehicle flipped several times before resting upside–down. Their dead bodies hung in place by their seat belts while both the driver and navigator's arms were adorned above their heads.


From that point on until we reached the Arkansas boarder, was event less. We hung back in third place, while Nero the Hero and Frankenstein battled for first. They were neck and neck, Nero tried to make the pass, but was continuously blocked.

Nero slowed and allowed Frankenstein to take the lead, but throttled it and pulled up alongside where Cleopatra saw Frankie. I momentarily forgot that I was apart of the race as well, as I was caught up in all the drama of the action. The navigator leaned out the passenger side window, I wondered what she was up to until she pulled up her shirt allowing her boobs free.

"Hey Frankenstein, what do you think of these," Cleopatra said as she wiggled her knockers at him. I watched as he glanced at her and the precious gift, and zoomed passed them to take the lead.

I was astonished that Cleopatra's tactic did not work, I looked over at Lexi and asked, "Maybe he likes blonds better, wanna try it and see if we can take first place?"

Lexi grinned. "Rumor is that Frankenstein is into brunettes, just not female brunettes."

"Wait. What? You mean… He's catching and not pitching?"

She nodded.

"Can we try it anyway, for my benefit," I teased. Because, you know, fifty percent of all jokes are filled with some sort of truth in it.

"Nope," She said, with a grin. "Win first and I will let you have the entire package."

I stepped on the accelerator.

"What are you doing," Lexi asked as she clung to her GPS–tablet thingy.

"Trying to win," I said, while I watched Frankenstein and Nero battle for first place. "I'm going to try and do a PIT on Nero and his babe."

"Cleopatra," Lexi snipped.

"Yeah, her. His babe."

"Don't get us killed," Lexi said.

"I've done this a million times over," I said. "When I was a bounty hunter, it was my favorite move."

"There is a lot I do not know about you," Lexi said as she braced her self for the maneuver.

"That's an understatement beautiful." I said and then pulled alongside the Nero, so that the portion of the my car forward of the front wheels was aligned with the portion of the Nero's behind the back wheels.

I then gently rammed the car's side, while steered sharply into the back end. I watched and as soon as the Nero's rear tires lost traction and begin to skid, I turned in the same direction until clear of the back of the vehicle. Nero was forced to turn in the opposite direction, while he was in still front of the me, and eventually spin out of control.

"Yes," I exclaimed. But, what I did not expect was for Nero's tire to hit the curb and do a front end flip and landing on Frankenstein's vehicle as well. "Holy Shit!"

We watched in horror as blood and guts exploded from Nero's car as it smashed onto Frankenstein's. I looked at Lexi and said, "I think I'm gonna be sick."

I pulled up along side the accident, while, Frankenstein's car was flattened, I did not see his remains. But there was no question that that Nero and his navigator were dead. As blood dripped from the upside–down car.

"I'm so sorry, Lady with the Hooters," I said mournfully.

"Cleopatra," Lexi angrily corrected.

"Yeah, whatever." I retorted.

Then the squashed driver's side door of Frankenstein's car explored from its hinges from an unknown force.

A moment later, a battered Frankenstein emerged from the totaled vehicle. His clothes were tattered, and I saw the multiple robotic parts attached to his body. He made a mechanical noise as he moved (think Terminator).

Frankenstein stood half way between me and the accident. He pause and cocked his head while staring at me, then I heard him say, in a digital voice, "You…"

"Me?" I asked. "Look man, I did not mean to hurt or even, kill any body."

"You have plagued me for years now," Frankenstein said. "I can never be free of you!"

"Wait… Do I know you, Frankie," I asked, while I moved slowly backward toward my speedster.

"I thought that after you took P–Tip and my valuables, that would be the last of you." Frankenstein seethed.

"W–a–i–t a m–i–n–u–t–e," I said slow and dramatically. "It can't be…"

Frankenstein grabbed his hood and with a yank, it slid for the meatball of a head. Underneath the mask was none other than Prince Golea!

"What the Hell man! We dropped your dead ass down a furnace!" I stormed.

"I was quite alive, and I was too large for the shoot," Prince Golea explain. "I wiggled my way up the shoot. I took an escape pod and came to Earth, since you raped my home world… I would return the favor."

"Like I said before, the Artaktens blew up your world," I reminded him. "It wasn't me."

"It doesn't matter, we finish this now," Prince Golea said. He walked up to me, as swung his arm to punch me in the face, but something happened. Frankenstein also known as Prince Golea begin to turn into ash and float off into the air.

Lexi got out of the car and rushed to me, she was scared, I saw in her eye. "What's going on?"

"He did it… He won…," I mumbled.

Lexi embraced me, and said, "Mr. Stark I Don't feel so good."

"You're alright," I said. She tried to take a step and stumbled into my arms.

"I don't know… I don't know what's happening," Lexi said, as she begin to turn to ash. "I don't… I don't want to go."

I lay Lexi down on the ground, and watched her struggle with what was happening. I leaned over her and said, "I… I have and important question to ask, Lexi. Can… I mean, Can I… Can I grab your boobs before you go?"

Lexi grinned and nodded.

"Thank you," I said. Then unzipped her whiter leather shirt, and slip my hand underneath. As I placed my hand on her precious cargo, the unthinkable happened… The beautiful Lexi collapsed inward into a pile of ash. "No! No! For the love of Khan, no!"

There I was alone, in an alien state. Nowhere to go. This was the end, while I was on my knees I looked up to the Heavens and cried out. "Damn yous! Damn yous all to Hell!"



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