Through the Nose That's Hairy
By: L. Alan Russo


Detective Dene Dander walked up to the murder scene. Bambi Dumbimbo's slaughtered body was placed inside of a body bag.

"She was stabbed forty seven times with a Rambo knife, by a Jack the Ripper copycat," Dander said then paused for a moment. "And she cheats on her taxes."

The junior cop looked up from the corpse puzzled, and asked, "How do you know all that?"

"Because he's Dene Dander, the super detective, who is pissed off all the time," Said Detective Dick Stewart as he walked up to the others.

"Ha. Ha. Cute. Says the man who is named after Dick Grayson and Stewart Copeland from the rock band Police." Dander retorted.

"H–How do you know that," the confused police officer asked.

"Because the writer is my best friend," he said with a wink.

"Ooh, okay," the confused officer said.

"So wrong place at the wrong time, partner?" Dick asked.

"No. It's a serial killer," Dander said, and on cue a heavy downpour begin. "Fuzzy hell," he continued and pulled out a pair of glasses from his pocket.

Dick looked at the confused officer and said, "Might as well have a seat, he's about to bust into his in–depth monologue."

"Well, for starters, I'm an old man and am secretly an all knowing wizard and two, there has been a couple of other murders that happened already, before the story even begin."

"What story?" The Confused Cop asked.

"Shh…" Dick hushed.

"So from the previous murders that happened, but you don't know about the because you didn't read them, this tells me that it is the same person." Dander explained. "For example, they have all been female victims and they are all found around the same location. Plus they have all been stabbed the same number of times, in the same places of the body and they are all prostitutes or former prostitutes anyway.

"Also, the name of the previous victims were Mary Ann Nichols, Annie Chapman and Elizabeth Stride," Dander said with a smile. "All names and in order of Jack the Ripper victims. So we are—"

"But…but Detective this woman's name is Bambi Dumbimbo," the confused officer mumbled. "It can't be a copycat killer."

Detective Dander groaned.

"If you look boy–o, you'll find that Bambi Dumbimbo is her adult entertainer name and is actually Catherine Eddowes. Thus making the connection of a serial killer, in our ever raining, no named city, who is copying the method, and names of Jack the Ripper." Dander said and then bowed toward Stewart and the confused officer.


Detective Dene Dander and his partner Dick Stewart walked into the morgue. Dene noticed that Dick seemed quite nervous and asked, "What's' wrong with you, gotta crap, son?"

"Uh, no. I…uh…just uncomfortable," Dick said while sweat flowed down his face.

"That's probably because of me," a woman with a white lab coat said.

Dander calculated for a moment, and then asked, "Who are you?"

"OH? I'm the sexy, yet nerdy, woman that Dick is secretly having an affair with, but everyone knows anyway. But, you can call me Cathy." Cathy said and then curtsied. "Okay, you two follow me and I will walk you over to the corpse."

"Okay." Dander said.

"And just to let you know the game plan, I will explain the forensic findings while I act like I'm not sleeping with Dick," Cathy said as she walked up to the freezer door.

"Perfect," Dick said. "I will also act like I don't know you, while I stare at your perky boobs creepily."

Cathy winked at Dick.

"Deal." Cathy said.

"Can we get on with this," Dander growled. "I have to get home and brood about how bad life is."

"How about this for quick! She was f*cked, knocked out and stabbed. The End." Cathy said in a snarky manner.

"Wrong story, but thanks for coming," Dick said. "So, on to chapter three?"

"Yeah, chapter three." Dander agreed.


Dick walked out into the rain and over to his partner, who attempted to smoke a cigarette. Once he reached Detective Dander, he asked, "Hey Dene?"

"Yeah, Dick."

"Look, it's late and I wanna put this story to bed, can we just jump to were Cathy was kidnapped," Dick asked his partner, who continued to try and light his cigarette like a dumb ass in the pouring rain.


While Cathy was kidnapped by the killer from her apartment, Detectives Stewart and Dander had problems of their own. That took over a year of storytelling to be told. (Don't worry, this writer isn't that kinda dude) and now the conclusion.

The Wild–Eyed man looked at Cathy with, well, wild eyes. She was nude and bound to a wooden chair (DON'T JUDGE ME! I didn't come up with this, it’s that other guy who's been writing a year long murder mystery's kink shit and what not), and he already had his way with her. Which was weird, because she totally did not put up a fight, she just kinda took it. Trust me, I saw the unedited version of this, it happened.

It was then when the cops busted in, which is odd, because since that was Dick's side piece of poontang pie, one would had thought that he was leading the raid. Anyhoo, back to the story. Once the area was cleared Dander and his partner Stewart (I only went with last name's because my wife said that my screen is full of dicks), enter the house.

Each officer went to a different room, Dick (is it too late in the story to call him Richard, shit, you're right), found Cathy where she was at the beginning of this chapter. Dander walked into the bathroom and found the Wild–Eyed man cutting on his ball sack with a small razor.

"What the hell are you doing," Dander said, and walked into the bathroom closing the door behind him.

"It's so hard to feel anything, but, I can always feel pain," The Wild–Eyed Man said with his trademark look to him.

"Ah. I see. You're one of those Emo wussy’s that had mommy and daddy give you everything your little spoiled ass wanted, but they didn't spend time with you as a child," Dander mocked the killer. "So you became fascinated with Jack the Ripper and started killing people because you are numb from not having your parents support even though you still live in their basement?"

"Holy shit, dude." The Wild–Eye Man said. "You are good. I'm not saying like just good, but you are like good, good!"

"All right jerk–off," Dander said while he removed his revolver. "This is so my partner, Dick, doesn't get any body on him."

"I have to say detective, that last comment sounded quite homoerotic. One wou—"

The Wild–Eyed Man was interrupted as Dander fired a slug into his forehead. As soon as the gunshot went off the bathroom door flew open and more police were in there. Dander sat his gun on the sink and lifted his hands.

"Easy boys," Dander said with a smile. "He came at me with a razor blade. It was self defense."


Dick and Cathy walked out of the Wild–Eyed Man's house holding hands. Dene Dander walked opposite of his partner.

"I'm so glad they let you walk, Dene." Dick said. "I guess we all get to live happily ever after."

"What about your wife, dude?" Dander asked sarcastically.

"Oh, man, I forgot about her." He replied.

"That's alright, you can take care of her after all of this dies down," Dander continued.

"What? What do you mean?' Dick Asked.

"Just wack her after all the heat dies down," Dander farther continued.


"I mean after all, you are the real killer right?"



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