Review of A–X–L
By: Jason Bechard

Hey, I Watched This!

Reviewing Movies I've watched recently.

Hello, and welcome back!

This month's article is another CAUTIONARY TALE, for what I consider to be THE WORST MOVIE OF 2018.

A–X–L (2018). Written and directed by Oliver Daly, and starring Alex Neustaedter, Becky G, Alex MacNicoll, Dominic Rains, and Thomas Jane (The Punisher 2004 and Deep Blue Sea).

Here's the IMDB synopsis, "A.X.L. is a top–secret, robotic dog who develops a special friendship with Miles and will go to any length to protect his new companion."

Well, a robot dog movie? "There's potential there." I thought! Unfortunately, the finished product is mind–numbing, for me.

(WARNING, I'M ABOUT TO TELL YOU THE WHOLE MOVIE, AND EXPLICIT LANGUAGE TO FOLLOW!)

The film opens with an infomercial about "the robot dog of the future". Then we see a motocross montage, where we are introduced to the up and coming motocross star lead Miles (Neustaedter), as they are struggling to win a competition. Enter the "top dog bully" champion (MacNicoll) who obviously feels threatened by the new guy, and the mysterious hottie(Becky G), who helps the new guy to spite the bully.

Then we see a secret facility, under red alert. Something has gotten out!(GASP) Back to the motocross stars, where "Miles" and his dad (Thomas Jane) are discussing the future, and Miles declares, "You know I was never good at school stuff, and I'm only good at racing." The "Bully" then befriends Miles, only to sabotage his bike while they are free styling in the middle of nowhere, causing him to wipe out hard, and then leaving them out there, with minimal supplies.

Miles stumbles across A–X–L the robot dog, that tries to attack him but Miles "Motocrosses" away, until A–X–L crashes and is damaged. Here's where things FALL APART. Let me do this in point form:
– "Not school smart" Miles fixes the highly sophisticated, billion dollar robot dog, with no real tools. BULLSHIT!
– Billion Dollar robot dog has shitty optic system that only sees in black and white static, with red threats and blue friendlies? NO MONEY IN THE BUDGET FOR GOPRO CAMERA EYES?
– I refuse to believe that anyone could program an AI to act like a real dog, nor could an AI seem to feel pain. FUCK THAT!
– Mysterious Hottie girl bonds with new guy Miles and his robot dog, while being so artistic and sensitive. UGH!
– Robot dog can clearly sense the romantic tension between Miles and Hottie, and tries to "set the mood" by playing some classic R+B tune and providing laser mood lighting. A ROBOT WARDOG!
– Bully takes down robot WAR dog, with a flamethrower. BILLION DOLLAR ROBOT WAR DOG DOESN'T KNOW TO RUN AWAY FROM FIRE? FUCK!
– Miles and Hottie, guided by robot dog hacking their cellphone, manage to fully repair the highly sophisticated, billion dollar robot dog, at a 3–D printer shop? BULLSHIT!
– Miles and Hottie manage to evade and defeat highly trained security soldiers. ARE YOU FUCKNG KIDDING ME?
– Robot dog is taken down by mini–drones, and more soldiers arrive to capture Miles and Hottie. ABOUT DAMN TIME!
– Robot dog's creator threatens the Hottie will be attacked by the robot dog, if Miles doesn't give the robot dog's control tag. SO EVIL!
– Hottie reminds robot dog she is a friend by air drawing a feather that she had done earlier. NICE CONTROL PROGRAMMING FROM THE EVIL SCIENTIST!
– Oh look, the REAL military have arrived to take over the project. AGAIN, ABOUT DAMN TIME!
– Hey, guess what? Robot Dog was specifically designed to "pair" with Motocross soldiers! MOTOCROSS SOLDIERS?! FUCK YOU!
– US Military on site, "We will open fire if you do not stand down." Miles and Robot Dog have to make a break for it, charge through and over (motocross) the military blockade, not a single shot fired? PULL THE FUCKING TRIGGER!
– Miles and Robot dog motocross through the desert, trying to evade a Military chopper pursuit. Until they reach a really big drop. WIPE OUT!!
– Miles makes Robot dog run away, until robot dog is taken down by mini–drones again. Robot Dog self destructs. ALL THIS SHIT FOR NOTHING?
– Flash forward, military has paid off all the witnesses. Miles and Hottie going off to school together, Hottie going to Art School (DUH!) and "not school smart" Miles going into a ROBOTICS program ('CUZ SCHOOL GRADES DON'T MATTER!)
– Oh wait! Miles has the control tag from the Robot Dog, pushes the button, and poof, Robot Dog saved himself in THE CLOUD, and apparently is working to rebuild itself? (FUCKING SEQUEL BITCHES!! FUCK YEAH!!)

The acting was "cookie cutter", formulaic, nothing special, and borderline unwatchable at times. Except for Thomas Jane, who felt natural in his fatherly role, but we don't see him enough. But, he does have one really cool, BAD–ASS moment, when he gets the drop on one of the Security Soldiers with a Bow and Arrow.

One good scene, cannot carry the flick!

This is one of those flicks that pisses me off. Again, the potential is there, but execution was complete garbage.

Sure the robot dog effects were okay. But Transformers movies kind of made those effects "common place".

It is my duty, to warn you away from films that are this bad.

I am all for a ridiculous, "shut your brain off and enjoy", popcorn fun flick(ie. Fast and Furious Movies), but there are limits. The film has to, at least, make a little sense.

I give A–X–L(2018) 1 Star out of 5. BEWARE!

See you next month, where I plan to discuss my pick for the best movie of 2018.

Please, don't forget to head on over to the Hey, I Watched This! thread in The World of Myth Forums, if you have any comments, questions, or suggestions. I'd really like to hear from you!

See you next month, Folks!