He began to notice the weight loss earlier than that and asked me about it so I told him thinking he'd be thrilled but he was actually angry. He said, "You'll just get skinny and beautiful and leave me."
One day I told Charlie I wanted to buy contact lenses. Something fairly new and still very expensive. Charlie said, "But I love the way you look with glasses. I always have". I believed him.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
Several months later Charlie confessed to me that he believed that if I stayed fat and kept wearing glasses that no one would want me and he would have me all to himself. It was one of the sickest things I have ever heard anyone say.
Not long after that it began; my not loving him enough.
It started with my understanding that Charlie did not really love me. He loved the idea of me that he had created but not the me that I was.
Sadly, I no longer loved him enough to help him to perpetuate his fantasy of me. I realized it long before he did. In truth he didn't see it at all until I told him. The shock of it devastated him.
I did however love him enough for us to make another try at being happily married when he asked for it, with certain modifications that is.
I got a job as a waitress which got me out of the house and also away from my hippie associations. It also gave me a little spending money for which I did not have to account to Charlie.
And for almost 3 years we did what he wanted; we tried.
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