Also donít bother to put contact information with your submission. Itís a little known secret that editors will read manuscripts even when there is no way to contact the author. They love wasting time like this. Another way to impress them is by sending in stories or articles which donít fit in with any genre currently being published. If the magazine prints fiction only, be sure to send in non-fiction or if itís a childrenís magazine, be sure to send in erotica. This lack of research adds to an editorís slush pile and the bigger the pile, the more important they feel.
The very first thing you should do in your submission is talk about money. Most publishing companies Ė especially small time magazines who are good at hiding this type of information Ė have lots of cash just lying around their offices. Demand a large bank account and a worldwide book tour. Be sure to discuss movie rights along with royalties from toy figurines, lunchboxes, video games and so on. Take it a step further and demand to be paid up front. Make sure they know that you refuse to write even a single word of any novel or short story until you have a signed contract in your hand. The only way to get what you want is to be aggressive.
This next point is so important that I decided to save it for last. I cannot emphasize enough that you should be as rude and insulting as possible to a potential editor or agent. They love this kind of treatment. No one loathes respect, courtesy and professionalism as much as they do. Be sure to talk down to your editor or agent, letting them know how privileged they are to have someone like you writing for them. Donít bother addressing them by name either; who cares if itís Mr., Mrs. or Ms.? Not you, thatís for sure. Instead try, ďTo Whom It May Concern,Ē or ďHey you.Ē This is a great way to get on their good side.
Iíd write more, but Iíve already wasted more than enough of my time with you chumps. Just follow all my rules; you will be surprised at the results youíll get.
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