Dan Does it Best
By: Glenn Bresciani
Dan, Dan. He's the man.
He claims that he can do everything.
That's why he's always in demand.
The first day on the job at Tree House Constructions,
Dan brags about how he can assemble Ikea furniture,
without following the instructions.
The foreman asks Dan to pick up that spanner,
and tighten those bolts above that blue banner.
Dan picks up the spanner. It slips out of his hand.
The foreman shakes his head, he doesn't understand.
"You said you could do anything," shouts the Foreman.
"Why are you acting the fool?"
No matter how hard he tries, Dan can't get a grip on the tool.
"Nail another hook into that wall," orders the Foreman.
"Hurry up man. This is your last warning."
Dan reaches for a hammer, tightens his grip.
It's no use. The hammer slips.
A whale had more chance of climbing a ladder,
than Dan had of picking up that hammer.
The foreman gasps. What he is seeing is daft.
"What the fuck, Dan?" yells the foreman. "What's wrong with your hands?"
Dan gulps and frowns.
He has been busted. He will lose his crown.
It doesn't matter how much he boasts,
he was now burnt toast.
Dan raises a hand, four fingers wriggling,
while his opposable thumb was missing.
Hands with no thumbs is a major flaw.
For all the good that they are, he may as well have paws.
Dan had always told everyone that he could do anything.
Be it pump gas, or cut grass, or clean glass,
he could do it all with a thumb up his ass.
Such a big boast. No one was impressed.
How dare Dan claim he was the best.
Then one morning, Dan had awoke feeling glum,
as both of his thumbs had disappeared up his bum.
From that day on,
Dan being the man had come to an end.
Now, all he could do was pretend.