Final Report on Events of April 2025
By: James Rumpel
The following report relays the results of our exhaustive study of the circumstances leading up to the catastrophic events of April 2025. We have compiled this data in hopes to avoid future situations of this type.
Day 0: February 5, 2025
We have concluded that everything began with a social media post by Ricky Woodford of Palmira, Wisconsin. The post was made at 11:45 PM on the date listed above. Woodford appears to have been a nondescript high school student although he is listed as having been the vice-president of his school's AV club and Miss Amanda Buffont stated that he had "kick-ass sideburns" in a comment found in The Hilltopper 2024 digital yearbook.
In the social media post in question, Woodford states that he had evidence that nearly one percent of the population of Earth is made up of aliens preparing for conquest of the planet. The post initially received six likes (five, if we discount the one that Woodford gave himself) and was shared two times.
Day 1: February 6, 2025
The lack of response to Woodford's statement should have made it inconsequential. Unfortunately, one of the shares was made by Woodford's cousin, Emma, who had worked for a short time as a hairdresser in suburban Chicago. While working there, she developed a friendship with one of her clients, a young woman who was then known as Marian Johnson. After moving to the west coast, Marian Johnson achieved international star status as the pop singer Chryisha.
Chryisha tweeted about Woodford's theory and commented that she wouldn't be surprised if it was true. At the time, the young singer had over sixty million followers.
Day 14: February 19, 2025
During the next two weeks, a groundswell of support for Woodford's conjecture (though by this time, no one was even remotely aware of the origins of the theory) had begun to spread throughout the world. Numerous websites and chat forums were created to deal specifically with the topic of aliens living among the human population. For the most part, mainstream media managed to avoid the topic until a text sent by an Arizona Senator was leaked. The message, which was being sent to another representative from his political party, simply said "We can assure the public that these rumors about alien infestation are completely false" followed by a winking emoji.
A cable news network perceived the emoji as indisputable evidence of the existence of an alien invasion and began to run numerous stories and bulletins. The lead anchorman called out the Senator during an interview and accused him of being one of the aliens.
The Senator emphatically denied the charge, explaining that he had meant to put a smiley face at the end of the text, not a winky face. "The two dumb pictures are right next to each other on my phone."
A petition circulated calling for the Senator's impeachment and had over two million signatures within two weeks. However, the impeachment never occurred because circumstances escalated so quickly.
Day 20: February 25, 2025
It is difficult to assign a specific date to the events discussed in this section. We have chosen this date because it was on this day that a post made on an internet discussion thread about the aliens claimed that one way to identify an invader was their ability to resist the pain associated with having their skin exposed to hot water. The originator of the post, Chucky Newsbaum, claimed that his middle school science teacher had spilled a beaker of boiling water on himself without any visible reaction. Newsbaum believed that this was clear proof that his teacher was not human and that he should not be grounded for getting a D last semester.
A number of subsequent posts, mostly made by angry housewives and disgruntled baristas, substantiated Chucky's claim. A waitress in London was fired for spilling hot tea on a dozen of her customers. In an interview with the BBC, she stated, "I swear to God, there were at least two of them who didn't bat an eye." She did, later, amend her comment, reducing the number to one, after it was discovered that one of her customers had a wooden leg.
Day 40: March 17, 2025
The next three weeks saw a dramatic increase in the number of second-degree burn cases treated at hospitals throughout the world. Internet pages with ever-growing lists of possible aliens popped up daily.
On March 17th, a large Anti-Alien rally was held in Fayetteville, Arkansas. Nearly ten thousand people attended to listen to politicians, celebrities, and a pillow manufacturer give speeches about the need for better alien identification techniques and laws to begin the process of exterminating the invaders. There was also a rather large concession area with stands from dozens of local restaurants and breweries.
In order to gain entrance to the rally, everyone in attendance had to stick their hand into a large vat of boiling water. Anyone who did not react by screaming or quickly pulling their hand out was to be detained and further testing of their alien-ness would be conducted. No one failed to react.
About halfway through the day, during a particularly emotional address by a professional football quarterback, a disturbance occurred when a woman rushed the stage and grabbed the microphone.
"You must hear this!" she shouted. Before security could remove her from the stage, the football player stepped in and said that she should be allowed to say her piece.
"We've made a huge mistake," continued the woman. "How do we know that we haven't let aliens into this rally? Couldn't they just pretend to be hurt by the water? They could have faked it. The person next to you could be one of them."
Chaos ensued. Hundreds of people were injured, twenty fatally, in the resulting riot.
Day 45: March 22, 2025
Thousands of new internet sites have popped up by this time. Many claim to be able to perform a test to determine if someone is an alien or not. If you wanted to test if someone was an alien all you needed to do was send in a vial of the suspects blood, your social security number, date of birth, your mother's maiden name, and the name of your first pet. Credit card payments were strongly preferred.
Day 50: March 27, 2025
Politicians and leaders from all over the world began to call for calmer heads to prevail. They explained that there was no proof of an alien invasion and for everyone to stop pouring hot water on each other. They soon learned that such proclamations only served to get themselves labeled as possible aliens and face verbal and physical attacks. Soon, many of the politicians changed their rhetoric and began calling for more anti-alien legislation and for the World Health Organization to develop a safer and more effective test to determine whether someone was an alien or not.
At first, the WHO ignored these requests, saying that they would not waste their time trying to find a test for aliens that simply did not exist. The uproar over the organization's lack of action soon resulted in the removal of a majority of the WHO's leadership with many of those doctors and scientists being held in some of the Alien Retention Camps that had started to pop up.
Day 57: April 4, 2025
A Soviet doctor announced that he had determined an accurate and easy test to determine alien-ness. With a global economic depression beginning to set in because of a nearly complete absence of consumer confidence, all the major news agencies were quick to report the details of his test.
The doctor, Dimitry Ivanov, claimed that aliens would have all three of the following traits. They would be left-handed, have detached earlobes, and be unable to roll their tongue.
Minutes after the reports aired and before any verification of Ivanov's claims could be done, pandemonium broke out. Vigilante groups were formed in almost every city. People were pulled from their homes and tested. Militia stood on street corners making every passerby stick out their tongue and then roll it. Anyone with long hair or wearing a hat that went below their ears was forced to reveal their lobes
Anyone who happened to have as few as two of the traits described by Doctor Ivanov were immediately taken captive, beaten, or worse. Millions of people were forced into hiding.
Day 58: April 5, 2025
The tumult of the previous day was multiplied exponentially when a news story broke about a condemned man verifying that he was an alien. In Paris, a man was being taken to the guillotine. The French had taken to believe a theory that had originated in Scotland which stated that the only way to successfully kill an alien was to remove their head. An extensive theory about the movie Highlander being a precursor to the invasion was very popular in Scotland.
As they were about to complete the execution, the man screamed in anger. "You fools. You're all going to die," he shouted, "You won't get away with this." While never explicitly stating his alien nature, it was universally accepted that he was not only admitting that he was not human but also threatening an imminent counter-attack.
Today, Day 70: April 17, 2025
By this time, things finally have begun to calm down. The week of riots resulted in billions of dollars in lost property and millions of lives. The repercussions of the events will be felt for decades: families were torn apart, the global economy devastated, Major League pitching may never be the same.
As stated in the opening of this report, we conducted this research to try and guarantee that this type of devastation can be avoided in the future. As for now, we have decided to evacuate any remaining of our race from Earth and return to our home dimension. The people of Earth will be left to determine their own fate. They may well find that their existence will be much more difficult without our aid.
The evacuation will be completed by the end of the day. We will have to conclude that this mission, while successful for centuries, has ended in failure. At least, they still don't know that their world is flat.