Rancid Recipes With Barbara Bucolic

Welcome, my friends! I�m Barbara Bucolic coming to you from my very own personal �Kinky Kitchen.� And before any of you readers out there think I conduct any unusual sexual practices in the Kinky Kitchen, remember that �kinky� is also defined as �unconventional,� which is what we are here �Sides, I confine my unusual sex practices to the barn, like any normal country lady would. For any who are curious, I have been a practitioner of �Alternative Medicine� for several decades. I use herbs and spells, er, special treatments, notions and potions to cure most common ailments people come up with. A few centuries ago I would have been called a �witch,� just because I understand nature and people and how they should work together, in harmony.

In coming issues I will be sharing with you some of my knowledge in the�for the most part�forgotten arts. Some of this knowledge may be considered Occult in nature and some of it may just be considered weird by a few readers. Be that as it may, today I am going to teach you how to shrink a human head. I suspect this one might fall under the �weird� category. Now, this information is only for the hobbyist, mind, although you might be able to sell the finished product on certain Internet store sites for between 100 and 300 dollars, depending on how well you do the job. Er, so I�ve heard, that is.

So, first of all, you need a head�the fresher it is the better for this project. I realize that not everyone out there always has access to freshly decapitated human heads�more�s the pity as far as I�m concerned�but don�t give up hope, �cause there are places out there where you can find such things; you just have to do your homework a �head� of time�no pun intended. Again, the Internet can be extremely helpful in your search for items such as this. Mail order body parts are available if you don�t have a head shop close by, but make sure they pack your purchases in dry ice for shipment, else you�ll end up with a plastic bag full of smelly soup when the package arrives.

Anyway, let�s assume that you have yourself a head on the counter in front of you. It doesn�t make much difference whether it�s a male or female head; they both shrink down the same. But since a man�s cranium is usually somewhat larger than the average woman�s, it will take a bit more of your time to work on a male head.

The best way to do this is to position your head, er, the one you�re working on that is, on a Lazy Susan, so you can rotate the head without having to move around it, yourself. So, turn the head around so the back of it is toward you. Lift the hair up out of the way�if the hair is long enough to be in your way�and with a small-bladed but very sharp knife, make a single cut from the base of the neck stump, straight up the back of the head, all the way up to the widest part of the skull. This should be done in a single motion to keep the edges of the cut smooth. While this procedure may take some practice before you get it right, it�s worth the effort. Do not place too much pressure on the blade�you don�t want to scratch the bone. Use just enough force so the knife blade meets the bone, but does not damage it. The skin on one�s head is very thin, anyway, so this should not present a major problem. And, when you�re all through with the shrunken head project, a pristine human skull is worth 500 dollars or more on certain Internet store sites. Er, so I�ve heard, that is.

All right, then. Now that your first cut is made, set down the knife and place one hand on top of the head to steady it, while with your other hand take hold of the skin where the cut was started and gently attempt to pull the skin away from the skull. You�ll want to use a slow, steady pulling motion and it should come off just like peeling the rind from a large orange. If possible, pull the skin away from the back of your head all the way up to where the cut ended. Be extra careful around the ears, however, as frequently you must resort to using the small-bladed knife once again to cut away the ear canal from the skull. After one side is pulled away from the bone, repeat this process on the other side.

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