How It Feels
By: Lallie Napier

I am listless
I am scared
I am cowering within myself, showing nothing
I want to scream my hypocrisy in my face,
Never listening when I give others the advice I so desperately need,
I can't even get in the damn shower.
I hurt in a deep place so buried I can't find it
But its presence is there, behind my eyes
While I ponder what it would feel like not to breathe in
And contemplate punching myself in the thigh
While ripping my ponytail through my brush
With far more violence than necessary
Celebrating each knot that stings my skull; I'm alive!
Forcing ashen food down my throat
Choking it down with flavourless fluids,
Still too dry to quench my non-existent thirst.
Light hurts, my stomach churns
Why the hell won't someone hold me?
Sleep doesn't help,
Bathing doesn't help,
Family doesn't help,
In this place I am cold, alone and hateful.
Hateful of this place
Hateful of this life
Hateful of myself.

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