The Protector Strikes Back
By: L. Alan Russo

A year had passed since I was named king of Planet Pixiltron, although Pekea never married me due to the World's law forbidding the marriage of two species that are unable to create an offspring. That's just racist!

But, I was allowed to rule as their king since I was knocking boots with Pekea, and, to be honest, I'm not much of a ruler. Just last week, I was informed that the hot springs in the Sasnakra Domain were dried up. I told them to drill… I forgot that's how you mine for oil and not so much for water, so now the hot springs are known as the tar pits, Oops.

But I guess the biggest oopsy moment was when the Artaktens invaded the planet, I made contract their leader and arranged an agreement to peace. Not one life was lost, as I had agreed to pay them to take their troops and leave. The world cheered me, well, for a little while.

That leads me to now, as I'm on an escape pod headed to the Protozoa system.

"So what went wrong?" You asked.

I'm glad you did. See the Artaktens used the monies to purchase a planet–size space station from the Nacixems, it's a cheap knock off of the Empire's Death Star, so instead of firing an ultra powered laser to destroy an entire planet—they have an ultra powered Super Soaker that with drench everything—hey, you get that you pay for.

So Anyway…

Pekea gave me the boot. At first, she wanted me to infiltrate the space station and find its weakness. But, I was like, "Hell no!" I mean, I saw Rogue One, now don't get me wrong, I do not mind dying for a cause, it just the dying part I don't like.

After some boob… I mean, volunteer made the ultimate sacrifice, Pekea sent out a squadron of her best pilots to blow up the space station. As they exited the atmosphere, I hopped into a pod and made my way to the Protozoa system.

Oh no, Iím not going to blow up the space station, I ordered a sexbot from AMAZON SPACE, and have to go pick it up. You know, because, Pekea left me… DON'T JUDGE ME! You heartless prick! You try flying through space with only Rosy Palm and her five sisters, that shit gets old fast!

#

It was about an Earth week, when I reached Protozoa system. It was there while I was picking up the sexbot, I saw on the Intergalactic News Network that the Artaktens fired their water cannon on Pixiltron. To everyone's surprise (including the Artaktens) that the pressure of the blast blew right through the globe, and within mere moments my former home of Pixiltron exploded.

I cannot help, but feel a little responsible for that. Well, live and learn… that's what I always say.

I mean, who in their right mind would make me a king of an entire planet? I didn't even finish High School.

Speaking of High School, I felt like a teenage again as P–tip (Sexbot's Model) and I crossed the galaxy on our way back to my office. There I wouldn't be judged to having relations with an android, or otherwise for that shake. See kids, you have to be pansexual if you are a space adventurer (can't wait for that movie to come out, just sayin').

It was night when we arrived at my office, it smelled like old booze and dirty socks. In front of the door was a stack of bills, but then something occurred to me. I hadn't paid my bills in a year or so, why was the electricity still on?

I pulled it out like a frat boy during hell week. My pistol! I pulled out my pistol! What good would it do if I yanked my genitalia out on the open?! Like what, "Freeze! And while you're at it check this out!"

We walked in and their he was in the middle of my office. Some freaky freak, dressed in a black S&M getup with a long matching cape and a large black plastic respirator that covered his entire head. I hope you get a clear picture, because it's very difficult to explain who we're looking at without being sued. Hashtag We Love Disney!

He removed a laser sword (hashtag Not My Last Jedi), and said to me in a muffled and electronic voice, "I've been waiting for you."

"All right, what did I do?" I asked. Before the man in black was able to respond, I rudely interrupted, "By chance you wouldn't happen to have an extra laser sword, would you?"

"Actually yes. Yes I do, here." He said and handed me his extra weapon. I looked at it for a moment of two and realized that that bitch was really heavy and didn't want to swing that bastard around. After all, I'm no Mark Hamill (fun fact, did you know that he is the same age as Sir Alec Guinness when they filmed episode four).

Anyway.

In a Frankenstein motion, the man in black swung the laser sword at my direction, I didn't know whether to block his advancement or make sure he doesn't fall to the ground. To my surprise, he whipped back in the opposite direction, and almost hit my sword, followed by a large grunt. I decided to let him catch his breath and walked over and found that I still had a pack of Tumor Rods in the top drawer of my desk.

As I lit one up, I asked, "So, what are you so pissed at me for?"

The man in Black breathed heavily through the respirator, "You… You killed the woman I loved and then, you stole my crown, and my kingdom while you left me for dead."

"Oh good. I was expecting for you to say something like that you were my father." I explained while I forced the deadly, but addictive smoke from my lungs. "So, what kingdom?"

"Is that really a question?" The Man in Black asked. "I mean, you've taken over so many worlds in your life time that you actually do not know what planet I'm talking about?"

"Yeah, something like that," I answered with honesty.

"Wow! You are a horrible person." He said, then unlocked his helmet. There were several loud clicks and hisses and smoke emerged from the collar that no only was attached to the bad ass Batman cape, but locked the helmet in place.

I was completely shocked as the man removed the helmet, "You!" I said in, well, shock. "I thought that you were dead Prince Golea!"

With a lion's roar, he swung his laser sword down on me, but I was able to deflect his attack with my own weapon. Okay, I'll admit that I was being a little lazy at this point, because I refused to get up from my desk—they didn't have Tumor Rods on Pixiltron and I was sincerely enjoyed my first smoke in a year.

"If it makes you feel better the Artaktens blew up your world." I told the former prince.

"Wait? You don't want to know how I survived the Space Nazis?" He asked me, seeking some needed attention, if you ask me. Well, I'm just saying.

"No, not really. But I do feel bad," I said while I butted my rod out. "Let's make a deal, your worshipness."

"Oh? Okay, what do you propose?"

"You can have my sexbot, P–tip, and I'll give you the pod, it's fully charged and you can go anywhere start a new life."

Finally he turned off his laser sword, and clipped it on his belt then asked, "No deal only if it's new."

"Oh, it's brand new your Highness, I even have the receipt for it." I enlightened him about the situation.

"All right you got yourself a deal." Prince Golea said with a smile.

"Let's shake hands on it," I said and offered out my hand to seal the deal.

"I'm gla—" Prince Golea was unable to finish his sentence as I ignited my laser sword into his chest. He dropped like a hundred and fifty pound turd after being held in all day.

#

After I inspected his body and found some cool shit that I could pawn for a pretty penny, P–Tip helped me put the princefulness down the garbage shoot into the furnace. I mean, never in the history of space dramas had a young man been defeated in battle and then burned to a crispy critter and ever come back more powerful than before… So we're do there.


THE END

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