The Protector and the Space Nazis from Outer Space
By: L. Alan Russo

The day started like any other, I got to the office before the rise of the Minor Sun, and I was welcomed by a two meter tall stack of bills. I normally did not work on Zuropisus, back home on Earth it was called a Sunday, but it beat being drunk at home; shit, I could have been drunk at the office instead.

I was half way into my third Tumor Rod (Earth translation, a cigarette), when she walked through the door. The woman was a Kargus, which was a half humanoid and half feline species, her fur was white and well kept. She had more human features, which was a plus, her mane was pulled back into a ponytail (which was kinda sexy).

Her breasts (again, humanoid, not feline… eww. Just eww), burst through her tight red dress top. I could not continue her description, I kinda got stuck there with the boobs.

Anyway.

The Kargus walked across my office, her fluffy tail swayed as she moved toward me (which was also, kinda hot). I hoped that I would not have to stand and greet her, because, well reasons…

Again, anyway…

She sat on top of my desk with her legs crossed, and leaned forward with boobs out and took my Tumor Rod (my cigarette…SICKO!), and took a hard drag from it.

"What can I do for you, Mama?" I asked, and took back my cigarette.

"I in serious need of your skills," She said in her best broken English, which was very sexy as well. Don't judge!

"What kinda skills are you in need of," I ask with just a slight hint of flirtation to my voice.

"My name is Princess Pekea, I am the sister to Prince Golea of Planet Pixiltron." Pekea answered, and took the remainder of the smoke from me. "My dear brother's wedding is in a hundred circumvolves (one Earth day. Yes, I'm sure! You ever been to Pixiltron? I have, now, may I continue?) and I need to make sure there are no interruptions."

"Oh… Oh, right, the work thing, I do."

Pekea smiled.

"So, Mama, who you expecting to crash the party," I asked. I leaned forward and grabbed a glass bottle of whiskey (if you're wondering, it's an import from Earth), and took a healthy drink.

"Space Nazis." Pekea replied.

I was unable to swallow the whiskey, as my Fight or Flight kicked in and the sweet nectar for the Gods exited from my mouth and nose. Pekea jumped back from the desk and barely dodged the…well, there are tons of sexual metaphors for me spitting out the liquor…Pick one, and let's move forward. Okay?

"Space Nazis?!" I finally asked. "What did your brother do to piss them off?"

"He would not allow them to place a reactor on one of our farthest moons."

"And when did this all go down?" I asked with a replacement drink of whiskey.

"Three hundred circumvolves ago." Pekea answered. She walked back to my desk and removed a cloth from her cleavage and wiped down the top. She looked up at me with a naughty smile and said, "While I am used to having men lose it, when it comes to me, just not this way."

Well, you can figure what happened next, and obviously, I took the job. So, Let's jump ahead to deeper in the story.

How about we pick up at…

I looked out the spacecraft's port window at the first of many moons that revolved around Pixiltron. I turned toward Pekea while I pulled up my pants (what? It was a long flight), and asked, "Is that the moon, the Space Nazis wanted to use?"

"Yes," the Princess replied. I noticed her change in behavior, quite cold and distant; the complete opposite from Human Women behavior. Pekea disappeared into her cabin for quite sometime, it was great! I mean, no pillow talk, no snuggling, who could ask for more!

Anyway…

After about two Earth hours, Pekea walked out of her cabin and was dressed in traditional Pixilonian's Kargus royal attire. It was reminiscent of what Earth Egyptian Pharaohs, lot's of gold, and instead of birds and alien–like creatures, it's cats and Kargus from their past.

"We will be landing shortly," Pekea said. She walked past me and stood in front of the port window I was at earlier.

"Landing? Isn't that your planet way up there," I said and pointed at the large planet–like mass up passed the moons.

"Yeehaw," the princess said with a straight face and without movement.

"Yeehaw, Mama?"

"Uh, the other word for 'yes', is it not yeehaw?" She asked.

"Oh…Oh. Okay. The word you're looking for is, 'yeah.' Good try, though and thanks for playing. Did you have fun?"

Pekea tilted her head, with confusion and said, "You are a weird species, are all humans like you?"

"Pretty much. So what about landing somewhere other than your planet that I asked about?"

"It's a secret wedding on our closest moon of Utella. My brother felt it would be the last place the Space Nazis would look." The Princess explained. "Once Golea marries, he will legally become our King, since my Mother and Father died in our countries revolution."

I turned and gave a convening smile. "How did your brother and soon–to–be bride meet?"

"Believe it or not, he met Beatrix on the battlefield."

"Oh?"

"Yes. Golea was a part of a Liberation Squadron to Pluto. The Space Nazis' Der Führer, Bavaria (also know as the Lady Der Führer) got word of the coming invasion and escaped, but she left Beatrix to fend for herself," the Princess explained, "Beatrix refused to be taken without a fight, and engaged hand–to–hand combat with my brother, who bested her."

I took a seat in the closest chair near me, everything made sense and not in a good way.

"Beatrix wanted death, but Golea asked for her hand in marriage instead."

"Okay. Okay. Give me a second to process," I said while I rocked myself in realization of the truth. "So, you are telling me. That your brother Golea Prince of Kargu, is marring Beatrix the Vicious! Who is the Lady Der Führer's lesbian lover, because he beat her in combat?"

"Correct," Pekea responded with a pleased smile.

"Oh boy, Mama."

#

Sometime later…

As we landed, it was visible that the surrounding area was in flames. The landscape was barely recognizable of a site of a forthcoming wedding. Pekea ran up to a port window and cried out in sheer horror. I stood behind her and attempted to comfort her, but she would have none of it and ran over to the bay door and pressed the release button. "We have to find my brother! The fate of our land depends on it!"

Pekea was half way down the ramp before the craft even landed, "Golea!"

"Be careful!" I shouted out to her from inside the ship, but she heard nothing I said. I removed my space revolver (it's similar to the Earth revolver, but it never runs out of ammunition) and chased after her. The crazy woman almost got herself killed multiple times as she raced through fire and smoke in search of her brother.

Finally, Pekea found who she was looking for, her brother, Golea, dead. His lifeless body on the ground and his florescent green blood streamed from his body onto the lunar sand beneath him. The Space Nazis' Der Führer, Bavaria stood over him. Now, lets hit the pause button for a moment. I'd only heard stories about her over the years about how bad and evil she was, but not one damned story said how hot she was! She was like, have you ever heard of the character Bruno, from the comic book, The Dark Knight Return written by Frank Miller? No? Really? Okay, take a moment and Google "Frank Miller The Dark Knight Returns Bruno character" and then come back here, we'll wait. Go ahead. We're not going nowhere.

Okay, welcome back! So that's what Bavaria looked like other than she had long brown hair, but shaved on the right side. But, she does sport the nipple–covering swastikas, and on her butt cheeks as well.

Anyway.

Okay, where was I? Oh! Oh, yes! Pekea pulled out a dagger from her garb and made a beeline straight from Lady Der Führer.

"You die tonight," Pekea screamed as she jumped toward Bavaria. The impact knocked her to the ground and the two wrestled over the knife. Now, I know I should not be saying this, but that kinda got the blood flowing, if you know what I mean.

I couldn't help but wonder how uncomfortable that must had been rolling around in Lunar Dust in a G–String and getting that shit, all up in her crack and such. On a side note, Kargus' didn't wear underwear…Meow!

I must have had gotten lost in the action, because Beatrix got the drop on me. She slipped up behind me and put a knife to me throat. I chuckled, which pissed her off, as she said: "What's so funny you man–dog?"

I believe I actually laughed at that point.

"Do you not understand that I can and will slit your throat, you disgusting man–dog!"

"I totally get that, Miss Muffet who eats at the 'Y', but you missed one important thing," I said humorously.

"What is that Man–Dog?"

I lifted my Space revolver and placed it under her chin, and said, "Never bring a knife to a gunfight, sweetheart."

I fired my weapon and her dumb–ass dropped like a virgin's pants coming off for the first time. I reached over and grabbed her knife and said to her, "Oh, and I think you where going for horn dog, but thanks for playing and hope you had fun."

By the time I got over to where Lady Der Führer and Pekea where rolling around I was quite tire and annoyed. I realized that with the Prince–King–Dude dead, there was no guarantees that I would get paid. While, Pekea's cat–play (cat instead of horse, get? Oh, come on), was a nice perk, it wasn't gonna get my bills paid. And those prices from WiFi, especially being sent from 120 light years way, you could only imagine how slow it was.

Anyway.

Once I walked up to the two in the middle of their Cat–fight, I pulled my gun and demanded to known, " Alright, who's gonna pay by invoice?"

Neither of them said anything to me, at first I thought about putting a bullet in Lady Der Führer's tattooed butt–cheek, but I decided to wait and see how it played out.

Once Beatrix was on top, I asked again, "Are we ready to talk about who's gonna pay me?"

The leader of the Space Nazis gave to the universal gesture to go love myself, But Pekea saw things differently with a counter offer.

"You want money?"

"Yes, please."

"Get this bitch off of me and I'll marry you making you king and the richest man in the World." Pekea said as Lady Der Führer was attempting to stab her in the face with a knife. "And! And, you can have me anytime you want!" "Can I have that in writing, I mean, you know how many times I've been offered the World and the girls don't follow through. I mean, come on Mama, I'm a catch."

"Please, help me!"

"Okay, good enough." I said, and fired a single bullet into Beatrix's head. I walked over to Pekea and with my foot pushed the dead Space Nazi off of her. "Hey Mama, Daddy's home."

#

With the Space Nazi's leader dead, all surrendered by the time the Kargus Royal Army arrived, and it would be a short time after that, Pekea and I married. It was small, but nice, you know like royal nice. It was kinda like the end of Episode IV, but instead of getting a metal I got the money… I mean, Girl! I got the, well, actually, I got both.

Moral of the story, hashtag WINNING!

THE END

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